Fickle Faith

i bask in optimistic thoughts, daydreaming like a fool in the twilight.
steam from my tea evaporates into the coming night, as i fidget nervously, completely unpresent.
could it be possible? it seems like fate brought us together, magik ignited us, and then demons tore us apart. but everything is so two-faced, everything is so elusive. and when the ground below me quivers, my coldness compensates for my vulnerability.
i couldn't shed a single drop there, no, not there. it was too ungrounding as it was, to look at you, covered in dust, tears, dirt, shame. to so badly want to believe you, but know that it would be unwise of me. after all, who knows how you really felt.... you put on quite the show. and in this doubt, in this lack of trust, i needed protective energy, not empathy. i was selfish, and righteously so. ancestral forces amidst whatever else, whispered to my primitive instincts.... no. NO. no.
i ignored the signs, i shrugged off the omens. i sought harmony, i sought mischievous bliss. why not? why not indulge. and maybe in a way, i was prepared for the worst. because maybe our dance, no matter how aesthetically beautiful or stimulating... was on top a sea of eggshells.
cocooned within a dust storm, encompassed inside a tornado, coating the entirety of our collective surface. i stared at you, you alluring thing, but i did not see my reflection. we were doomed from the beginning, the intentions were never pure. marinated in lust and insecurity, vanity and projections. they became purified over time, though, and man.... was it ever a pleasure.
but i didn't feel safe in this place. you were soft, you were sobbing and you were harmless... but i didn't feel safe there. so i let you go, and you spiraled away.
time passed. i basked in optimistic thoughts, until they would be shattered by a piece of information that would reach me unexpectedly. tales of your lack of grace, your lack of respect, your lack of trustworthiness... would burst my bubble of naive buoyancy, and leave me exiled and distraught in the middle of a communal celebration... or something. glasses clinked, laughter resounded, and i would tumble into another world, spinning alike all the memories in my mind of your betrayals. your capricious hostility, immaturity, inconsideration, feebleness. i never expected perfection, simply, truthfulness. it now seemed so clear, once again, why i had to let you go, despite the total harmonic bliss i would feel from time to time, held by you, caressing you. loving you. in all its cheesy romantic glory. it would all vanish within mere seconds. where reality would knock me off my feet, back to my state of foolishness. enraged and yet detached, how could i not expect this... your dualism. my indecisiveness. a neverending quarrel of heart.

time would pass, naturally. and for some reason momentum would again bring me to this point of reverie, plotting a better future, gently expecting you to man up. bring back home a bouquet of new wisdoms, to your womyn, who's now also improved herself also. we would make love again, you would growl into my ear, i would tie you to the edges of my new bed and treat you like my king, that i loved, once more. and again, a harsh truth would evoke sensibility, and put me back in my deranged, mournful place. the place i wish i didn't have to be.
i wish i could just accept the time we had, and move forward. but a part of me is too attached. i want more. but i want change, as well. and maybe the two don't go hand in hand. maybe these aren't transient demons after all, maybe this isn't a dark valley in your life. maybe this is YOU. and maybe i have been hypnotized, captivated, flustered, flushed away. maybe i'd be setting myself up for something worse... something more violent and disastrous. something MORE abusive. something more... draining.
i only can observe, with ruthless compassion, my hands forever in prayer that you embrace your gifts and not your impulses. that your bridges remain intact instead of in ashes, that your beauty stems from within, and doesn't degrade from the outside, into a darker place.
i love you, always. i've no regrets, i've no qualms. i love you, forever.
and also....
fuck you.