fistfuls // wistful

can't seem to place the tape over my mouth.
can't seem to play this game right.
can't hold out
this gridlock, this landmark, this bile bitter truth
black berettas to protrude and swell in my every ruse
visage projected target, interference rash and crude
it's getting harder and harder, and harder to mute 
to block out the obscene scenes where my mind careens
chafing against rationality
convulsing against the sanctions i fail to keep

bare knuckles on cold ledges and callused palms

a momentary rattle in my shaken pulse
feeling enamour, feeling disgust
but mainly just -
utter disappointment
vacantly i lay, trying to find a missing piece to sway the leaf

reconciliations happen in my dreams
but even then they're incomplete
rejecting the diffused light, snaking its way into my eyes
which blinds only my half assed fantasy
i'm clenching onto silent sheets
grasping for more as lucidity creeps
like an unpaid bill
so intrusive and real
helplessly dragged by my hair out of the fleeting ideal
only a fabrication

that saying's so true,
every song becomes about you
everything speaks to me
every billboard every taxi
t-shirts and hats, even bagels are traps
new york new york, you have me strapped
the chords and vocals rush through my trembling lungs
paths and walkways lead to street names with your bleak name
mission district, tenderloin
- your name's not even close to being spanish
what a fucking joke, i'm getting toyed with
but what else could i expect
other than this lunar trickery
so fickle and yet so karmatically pristine

i really have to shake it off sometimes
thoughts like imposters
like sudden encounters with a spider in the sleeve
a ghost whispering sly profanities
fueling insecurities
cells spark like casualties
drenched in inevitability

there's no homeostasis in kissing two faces
the convergence and collision of two potent phases
twice the seduction, twice the abrasions
submerged in an overload of stimulations
even brownstone pillars had me lost in their persuasions
hypnotic cascades of junipers and ivies, suspended in sunlit fenestrations

your asymmetrical smile.
caught me slain in temptation
heartbeat sheathed in its proliferation
twice seduced, twice contused,
twice confused.
thus twice the inebriation.
you already had me halfway
when i was already that way
so add a bit of booze, and my wit's astray
regrets too abysmal to even evade

that city is a beast, i'm only one breath amongst swarms
couldn't properly process in the relentless downpour
swimming upstream in the contrary
doesn't even feel like it was me functioning
disfigured morale, lessons lost in the quickening stream
seduced by you, seduced by the streets

who were you anyways?
misogynist? sociopath? loving, vulnerable man?
i contemplate your judgements, your detachments,
your charisma and convictions.
such a paradigm shift within the bedding
that i almost have forgotten what it was in the beginning
was it ever profound? or was this a perfect catalyst
to rescue anymore wasted days and wasted letters on either end
was there ever a foundation? was there ever respect
or perhaps there's more to it and i can't see it yet?
what a gamble
fragments i both cherish and resent
so do i keep faith, or get ghost
if so, absolute, or with a note
do i stay patient, hold space
even though it gnaws at my raw ego
?

how about you make the decision. to either grip, or unfurl
because i've lived enough to know,
at some point it will all be vague or trivial
this torturous flame will hush to a simmer
whether we decide to consciously shift, or let time itself deliver
the closure
to this duality
this impasse, this unpalatable quandary

so i skimmed over old conversations, to find alliterations
always a deficiency amidst our adoration
though there always seems to be an arcane appreciation,
we meet in the middle. and create perpetuations
shortcomings on your end, and foolishness on mine
a sublime disunion of left and right mind

in retrospect. i should have had the cheaper wine
perhaps a migraine would've saved me from the chemical tide
shoulda done a lot of things, shoulda taped my mouth shut
such a harsh texture to swallow, the second time around.